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nightmarish waltz

  • Dec. 3rd, 2008 at 3:29 AM
This is my time. My time to create.

To create a story, a story through movement. a story of the lessons my body has been taught to extend through sound.... to understand the production of a feeling I have to let go.

Enable me. Give me strength. Determination... yes, determination.
Determined and focused for the first time, I am.

I live. I breathe. I lead. I believe.

And no one will die if I find the right dance to dance, I'm sure of it.

Mar. 24th, 2008

  • 3:29 AM
I just put my pointe shoes on for the first time in a couple months. It actually didn't hurt quite as much as I was expecting. I did about 10 minutes of pointe work in which time I managed to crack the toenail on my left big toe. Oops. It's a horizontal crack about 1/3 down from the top of the nail. This is (at least) the third time I've done this since starting pointe, but this time I don't think the crack is deep enough to go all the way through the nail?

Yes, I know. So many more important things than my toenails.

That girl finally woke up. The annoying one, always mooning over that doctor.Why does everyone and their mom want a boyfriend? Good god, what the hell is wrong with everyone? It's so incredibly annoying. I mean, if you're lonely, alright, I'm terribly sorry for your woes. But desperate to the point you find something to like about everyone? He's so old, at least late twenties is my guess. And anyway, the girl annoys me. I hate overly flirty people. Another stupid little giggle or ditz move and I'm going to tear my hair out.

Or perhaps hers.

Seriously. Last thing I need is for that to rub off on Duck and Rue. They're already out of control badly enough...I want nothing more than to be a good example for them to follow, PLUS...I want them to respect me. I know that's a little ummm..what can you call it? whatever...it's the truth.

People ask me sometimes why I took to dancing. I suppose it keeps me out of trouble, more or less. I'm notorious for the temper I used to have. And I do have a temper. It's really quick and really intense, but I've learned to control it extremely well. I used to get in fights and be absolutely vicious and ruthless. I'm not like that anymore, and I don't ever want to be like that again. But sometimes it takes a lot of
self-restraint and willpower and sometimes I just feel like I can't handle it.

Why is the world so full of numbskulls, anyway?

Mar. 17th, 2008

  • 4:03 AM
gloomy out there
I can't write myself out, the way I used to. And this, this tortures me. Why can I not lose myself in my words, what turn of life is this that I am thus abandoned by the one thing that used to keep me safe and confident.

And that's how I know I am alive in a life that exists separately besides me. The sea is sprinkled with sailor bones and the sun is the fire in which dead souls burn. Home. I can barely say the word anymore. Maybe it burnt itself out of my system. A cold fire, if ever there was one. I was always the knight in my legends and my dragons were my princes. What if we were changing along with the world and with the climate? Would the colour of my dreams change? What if a tulip fever stained me red? Do you think I could continue living, breathing, working, pretending? The words I don't understand resonate inside of me, it makes no difference I don't understand them, they communicate with my soul in a manner nulling the importance of a language. Maybe I should have looked back. I have been storing silence inside of me. And now, I just might be drowned by the one thing I craved above all. It bleeds from my eyes and into my hands, and my fingers forget the taste of ink. I flail helplessly. Why do I have to grow up? And give this up.
Silent Hill will break your heart, in ways that you did not know it could be broken.

Feb. 27th, 2008

  • 1:11 AM
gloomy out there
Some nights I dream of Drosselmeyer.

He speaks to me in the high wind and and dark places. He tells me secrets I do not understand and holds out a great strong hand. I do not know, do I take it? or do I run? Are you God or be you Devil? What now? Where to? My stepping stone is slowly sinking under me but what stone do I jump to next?

I must protect the girls. I must protect the girls. I must protect the girls.

I must protect the girls at all costs. Like I couldn't protect Mytho.

I wish there was something I could do that could give me back my old persona. That would be lovely. I can't even remember what it was to be so optimistic, jovial and downright stupid.

I had a present for you, haha ... it was all wrapped up and waiting, from just a few weeks back. What would you have me do? I think you would have liked it. I was reminded of you when I saw it. It's a necklace, maybe, or a sun catcher. The crystal is yellow ... it just seemed to gleam all over. You would be able to lift it up, and watch it catch the light, watch it dance ...

You would have liked it, I think.

... and now all of this. We still haven't reached the climax of why we are truly here, and that cannot be too far away, even now.

I hope you're safe, somewhere Mytho. Far away from this awful Silent Hill.

Sitting alone forces me to think about my lonely self. And I really, really hate it. Maybe I've gone crazy? Maybe this is just another bad dream?

I need to rip off my skin and be released from my numbness, my pain, everything.

Feb. 13th, 2008

  • 4:03 AM
I'm safe, Duck, if you were wondering. I'm with Chiana.

I need to know what's happening to Rue. Do you need me to come right back? I probably should, that little nitwit will never be able to take care of Rue by herself!

I don't trust that angel thing that posts weird poetry all the time. He was saying something about the 'Raven voice of fate' talking to its 'hostess'.

Make sure Rue stays safe or I'll pluck you.

I changed the outcome

  • Dec. 9th, 2007 at 10:22 AM
gloomy out there
How could I have been so stupid?
I thought this god thing would kill Rue. It probably would have, except I wrote that it wouldn't, and now the Ravens are loose. It's all my fault... how come I assume I can get anything done? I am the most useless knight there is...

Nov. 7th, 2007

  • 8:38 PM
oh duck
Mytho is gone. Dead. I never saw such a look of terror on anyone's face before. I did not know he was the sort to possess or watch such filth...perhaps that is what did him in.

Mytho is gone, Rue is with that evil cult that lives in the church, and I don't know where Ahiru is.

I'm in this building. It's near the end of one of the roads, and beyond this there is nothing, just a sheer cliff.

Those pale monsters from below ground are nearby. I cried out at one and drove it away with my sword, but I'm thinking there are probably more of them.

I don't care. I'll destroy them all. This is perhaps my last stand. My prince is gone, and I was useless, unable to defend him.

Maybe I can still go out like a knight...

Sep. 25th, 2007

  • 6:03 PM
gloomy out there
Kylie? was that your name?

The girl we saw at the church with the odd backpack for a weapon.

Is it true you hunt ghosts?

Can you find heart shards as well?